The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
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It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
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Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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