Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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