Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
