It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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