this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
