I think I died a long time ago.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
dude. I can hear the air.
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