I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
