just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
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I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
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Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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