i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
