well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
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Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
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Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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