Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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