you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
