I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
