Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
