remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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