You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
