the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
