hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
