Non-Jews are for practice
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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