I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
