Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
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After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
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I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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