seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
