apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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