we should wear snuggies to the strip club
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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