It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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