she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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