Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
