I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I am available for nakedness
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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