Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
