I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
