Say something about gay babies.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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