Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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