So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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