ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
When did angry sex become our thing?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize