I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
