dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
