That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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