You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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