Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
