the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
