Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
