I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
