Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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