Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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