Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
