VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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