so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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