Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
