god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
