Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
