I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
