The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
