i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
