when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
