when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
