new low.... made out with someone while peeing
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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